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Discussion Starter #1
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. :eyebrow:

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. :confused:

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

:happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy:

2,851 Posts
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the
week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office
in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she
overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round
in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used
to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the
spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would
be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and
asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They
rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at
6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up
beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par
round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.
The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily
invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure,
I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers
were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an
even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the
guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just
trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant
and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to
harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on.

But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys
irritable because each was determined to play the best round
of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her,
they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on
her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a
good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their
strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their
heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their
round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one
of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked
her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy.

When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I
developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning
for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
"you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot
back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

2,851 Posts
(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used t hem to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite
off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each h! ad a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

(By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)

2,851 Posts
A crusty old Secret Service Agent found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Secret Service Agent for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, Ma'am," the Secret Service Agent said, "just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Agent’s short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Agent just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Agent looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Agent glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now

2,851 Posts
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got
some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked
at God and said, "well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent,
create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The
other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her
children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "these are great gifts you
have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great
... God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "the bad news
is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate
these organs one at a time."...

2,851 Posts
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Could you please
give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is
expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him a condom; and as the
young man is leaving, he turns and says: "Maybe you'd better give me another
condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses
her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects
something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns
back once more and says "Better just give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes
allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think maybe she is
expecting something from me too!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the
sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy
lowers his head and starts praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give
us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord
for your kindness..." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down. The others are very surprised and his girlfriend even
more than the others. She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I
didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

2,851 Posts
(This one is for Washington state residents - modify to taste)

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a University of Washington Husky fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Husky fans too. Not really knowing what a Husky fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Sarah has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Husky fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a WSU Cougar fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Sarah why she is a Cougar fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Cougar fans, so I'm a Cougar fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Sarah smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Husky fan."


2,851 Posts
he Picture on the Night Stand...

After a long night of making love,
he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!", she answers.
"Well, who is he, then?" he demands .
"That's me before the surgery."

2,851 Posts
A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and
washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says
"Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied,
"you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

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1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-
fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and
start all over?
4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
6. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
8. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

2,851 Posts
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the
friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not,! " he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,
"I think I can save you a grand here....."

2,851 Posts
Baseball in Heaven

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their
lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.
Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my
best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is
awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really
good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

2,851 Posts
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His

wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me

that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday

2,851 Posts
Why English Teachers Die Young - Actual analogies and metaphors found
in high school essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.

2,851 Posts
Old Golf Quotes

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow

2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice
round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my
ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands

4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously
devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."

5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in
baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a
lot of strokes when you consider the course."

7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew
tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over
the ball and hit it with the shadow."

9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six,
and write down five."

10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players : "They throw their
clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead
of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four
opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."

12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can
enjoy without being good at."

13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try
picking up the wrong golf ball."

14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and
are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a

15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man
across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA

16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just
how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability
to count past five."

17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called
it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it

18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that
during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a

19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He
missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining

20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside
fast. If God wants to play through, let him."

21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the
right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody
cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."

22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so
nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest
83 of my life."

23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing
for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my
caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on

24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume,
temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club
recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd
say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked
Bolt. "What kind of stupid choice is that?" "Those are the only two
clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie.

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Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
"how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****

2,851 Posts
In downtown Boise, a bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses,
they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this town...in, in in this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . "
Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

2,851 Posts
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota.

Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching...

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles..

The man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off...

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles...

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test...

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken"...

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

2,851 Posts
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how
he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride
who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,

"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never
misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a
and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him! He raises up his
umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.

BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have
shot that beaver."

"My point, exactly."

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Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican
restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
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