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Here are five reasons why a woman should think before she speaks. The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back..Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word..he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men's balls'


THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said No!... I kept thinking Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 

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This old guy gets stopped by the police around 2 am.

The cop asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The old guy replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old guy replied, "That would be my wife."
 

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:wink: :smile_big:

(It sure would be nice, as in the old forum software, to just have the emoticons right there and not have to go to an "advanced" screen! :sad:)
 

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Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt .... who the **** misses a two-foot putt ?
 

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:devil::grin::grin:
 

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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't."

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night."

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?"
 

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:surprise: :grin:
 

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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round
of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to
return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
and asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
stance is too wide."
 

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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round
of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to
return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
and asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
stance is too wide."
Wow. :smile_big:
 

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Daddy Longlegs

A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected
on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat.
"Well", she said, "that may be okay on the west coast, but we're having none of that **** in Texas."
 

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Milk bath.....
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


Wait for it.......





Wait...............



The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs...I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
 

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:facepalm: :rofl:
 

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VERY SAD NEWS TODAY.

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and would have been a brilliant veterinarian.
 

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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde
is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and just
wants to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists explaining that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you
a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet she agrees
to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's
the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches
all references: he uses the Airphone, he searches the Net and even the
Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows...
all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, the lawyer finally gives up. He wakes up
the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back
to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up
and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.
 
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