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Entries in patient logs...

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
 

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Advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat
in his life science classroom staring at a question
on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk." What to
write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever
came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded
a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once
more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then
sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He
grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled
his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.
 

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An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got
his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving
him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me
fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.

"I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really
didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and
square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,
and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball
here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad
ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds,
"By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I
need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't
even know they were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once sometimes
twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a
week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish."
 

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Sperm Count


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to
get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even Tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we
tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
 

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Interesting Prospective.



There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!



I thought the results were pretty interesting:



85% of women think their ass is too fat...



10% of women think their ass is too skinny...



The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.
 

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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from
the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to
climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
 

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
 

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
 

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WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and
goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his
eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter,
dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?". The husband
looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years
ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he
asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking
that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes, I do"
she replies. The husband paused. The words were not
coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I
remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember
when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either
you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."
 

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WARNING

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young
nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your
windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back
door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't
able to find them on Sunday.
 

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Bus Ride

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of senior shoppers drives down a
highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers the
driver a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches and eats.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands
him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why she does not eat the
almonds herself.

She replies that it is not possible; because of her old teeth she is not
able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

The old lady answers, "I just love the chocolate around them."
 

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2 Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.

At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer,
they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon,
crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five
feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a
bacon tree, ees a ham bush
 

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Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a
few people who did in real life....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has
never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I
kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 

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'Nuff for this session! :cheers:
 

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Thank you, Rockyp! I needed these laughs - been sick for the last few days with an inner ear problem. It was nice to finally scroll through the forum and not have motion sickness :ack:
 

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(This actually happened a few weeks ago with me and my friends)

So my friends (let's call them Andrew, Emma, and Felix) and I all like to poke fun at each other. Andrew had (or has) this very big and obvious crush on Emma, but he never did anything about it.

Felix said to me one day, "You know, Andrew likes Emma so much that he has his name tattooed on one of his butt cheeks and Emma on the other! Isn't that romantic?"

I said "Yea, but you know, even if they did get together, things would never work out"

Felix asked, "Why not?"

Then I said, "Well, for one thing, there's always gonna be **** in between the two of them"
 

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Discussion Starter #37
Friends are like butt cheeks
**** might seperate them
But they always come back together...
[/color] :eek:hno:
 

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Speaking of tattoos...

A lady went into a tattoo parlor one day and asked the artist to tattoo a turkey high up on her inner left thigh. He thought that was an unusual request, but did it for her.

A week later, she returned asking for a snowman high up on her inner right thigh. Again, he thought it was strange, but did the tattoo.

As she was leaving, his curiousity got the best of him. He said "Those are rather unusual tattoos, and to place them on your upper thighs is rather puzzling. Mind telling me what the significance of that is?"

She replied "I'm just sick and tired of my husband complaining that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
 

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Discussion Starter #39
If you haven't got a smile on your face

And laughter in your heart,

Then you are just a sour old fart !

:happy: :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy:

Wisdom From Grandpa - -

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its

burial rates....and blamed it on the cost of living.
[/color]
 

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Thanks for the laughs!!! :cheers: ;D
 
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