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A friend sent this to me a few months ago and I laughed so hard I cried! I think this is the best joke I have heard in a long time :happy:



Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The first young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging fom her rear end. The others raised their eyebrowns and stared at her.

The older woman finally said...

'Well, will you look at that...I'm getting a fax!'
 

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The old gentleman was sitting on his porch, reading the paper and enjoying his morning coffee, when a young boy walked by carrying a large bundle over his shoulder.

"What'cha got in that bundle, Jimmy?" asked the older man. "Chicken wire." was the reply. "And what'cha gonna do with the chicken wire?" asked the older fellow. "Gonna catch me some chickens." answered the boy, and walked onward, while the older fellow chuckled quietly to himself.

A couple of hours later, the boy returned, this time with a bag over his shoulder. "What's in the bag?" asked the old man. "Chickens!" Jimmy replied, and walked on.

Soon, Jimmy walked by again, carrying a package.

"What'cha got in that package?" asked the older man. "Duct tape." was the reply. "And what'cha gonna do with the duct tape?" asked the older fellow. "Gonna catch me some ducks." answered Jimmy, and walked onward, while the older fellow again chuckled quietly to himself.

A couple of hours later, the boy returned, with another bag over his shoulder. "What's in the bag this time?" asked the old man. "Ducks!" he replied, and walked on.

Pretty soon, Jimmy walked by again, carrying some sticks.

"Now what'cha doin' with those sticks?" asked the old fellow. "These ain't sticks." replied Jimmy, "They's ***** willows."

"Hold on..." the old guy said, "while I get my shoes on. I'm coming with you!"
 

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Cajun Diet

Boudreaux was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc: 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds.

When Boudreaux returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

Boudreaux nodded..'I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop
dead on dat 3rd day.

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

Boudreaux: '**** no, it wuz from all dat dam skippin'
 

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Discussion Starter #44
NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars
around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' Youprobably
shouldn't respond with, 'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
 

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Discussion Starter #45
An elderly friend sent this to me. I immediately thought of sharing it with you guys :eek:



An old lady dies and goes to heaven.



She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.



Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings."



The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.



Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.



"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"



"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."



"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to ****."



"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."



"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that."
[/color] >:D
 

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Good one!! :happy: :happy: :happy:
 

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Good one Rosita...

What did the fish say when it hit a wall?






****.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
Good one, Bsox!

C'mon everyone, post your best ones here!
;D
 

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A mushroom walked into a bar and asked for a drink.
The bartender said "We don't serve your kind in here"
The mushroom said "Why not, I'm a fungi"
 

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Discussion Starter #51
New use for Windex



I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if
this actually works or not, but they say,


If you ever get the sudden

urge to run around naked,

you should drink some

Windex first . . . . .

It'll keep you from streaking.
[/color] ;) ;)
 

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Woo Hoo!!! :banana: :dancing:
 

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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they w ent upstairs . After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "South Dakota."

"Really!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 

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THE PASSWORD:

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process
told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in......

P.....

E.....

N.....

I......

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.............
 

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Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her
 

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Discussion Starter #56
MRBUICK said:
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her
Boy, MRBUICK now I know you are almost as old as me, because that is an old one...! :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #57
What 3 words do you NOT want to hear when you're making love??




"Honey, I'm home!"
[/color] ;D
 

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Q: How does Hitler tie his shoes?
A: In little knotsies
 

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Discussion Starter #59
:happy:
 
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