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Okay, let's table this topic.
 

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I get that one!!! :happy: :happy: :happy:
 

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:happy: mass–energy :happy: :happy: :happy:
 

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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is atthe Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam.I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions
over.He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve?Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied.'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
 

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Old but interesting to refresh old memories...

Us older people need to learn something new every day...
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom
today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; "holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and
would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to
have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist
of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said history was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone!
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.
 

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My neighbors, the two cute young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch!!!" :facepalm:
 

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:thumb: :happy: :happy:
 

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After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Never having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. "How about that!", he exclaims, "Here's a picture of me Fadder."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. One day, after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with."
 

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Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE MAN Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is LAW!"

You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, we're going upstairs and we"ll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you're going draw me a bath so I can relax. You''ll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His Sicilian wife Angelina replied, "The f'in' funeral director would be my first guess."
 

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:happy: :happy: :hilarious2:
 

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I'm going on vacation but thought I'd leave you with this one. True, it's old, but so am I.

Texas home security system (works just about anywhere, except maybe California).

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size of 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on the front porch, along with a copy of "Guns & Ammo Magazine".

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads...

"Bubba;

Me, Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter.
 

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Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth,
I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in
my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey
in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.


Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that darn snake ... with
two more frogs.

Life is good in the South.
 

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The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest.
The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!"
The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!"
The Miller CEO says, in turn: "I'll have the good ol' taste of a triple-hops brewed Miller!"
The CEO of Guinness ponders for a moment and says to the bartender: "Oh, I'll just have a Coke."
Bewildered, the other 3 CEOs stare and ask why he didn't order a beer. The Guinness CEO shrugged and said "Well, if you weren't ordering beer, I didn't think I would either".
 

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He wouldn't stop slapping her butt...



He just kept on swatting the still-burning cigarette as it lay there on the ground...
 

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:happy:


A balding, white haired man from Naples, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000', the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
 
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